What a tough situation to me

I don't know how to say, but just know that I put myself in a tough situation recently.
Actually, I still think about things between us, but always don't know why.
I know that the timing to give you up may come much more earlier than my idea and my setting,
although I really hesitate that abandon myself on you or not, I know that is what should I do, I have to and I'll do. Just don't want to experience this situation anymore, because it is always very hard and tough to me, to make any decision or any choice, I couldn't handle myself easily, because each one is hard anyway. Maybe that's my problem, coz that was what I ever told u, I do hope that we can look forward in the future not currently, but so sorry about that, I'll fail probably. Not because the feeling is gone, just u let me know that I couldn't see myself in your eyes and mind, even just only a piece of, no... so if I have any decision, just have to say sorry for myself, and also you, because that means I didn't take my responsibility for the words which I told you.
Now I'm trying to calm myself down, but not sure yet what I'll be, just keep thinking.
I never talk to anyone these words; just keep it in my mind.
Don't know why and how, but I know the timing for us is closer and closer, I have no power and
no right to change it, what I can do is seeing and accept all.
I always tell myself like that, always.